His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
