How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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