alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
