It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
