I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
