I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
