idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
