Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
