Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
