i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
