I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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