I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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