Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
