She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
