you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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