I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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