Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
