Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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