I'll bet she douches with gravy.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
