Well apparently he's into motor boating.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
