I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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