he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
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