She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
