Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
