life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
