She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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