I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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