I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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