we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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