i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Every concussion has its silver lining
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
