Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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