his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
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