M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
