I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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