Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
