She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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