so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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