ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
