I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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