can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
