apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
it's great music for shaving your balls
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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