He disabled his match.com account in front of me
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
