the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
