i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
