i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
my shit smells like andre
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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