I accidentally had phone sex last night
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
