Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
