last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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