need another drink. this is the easiest way
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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