I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
