i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
