11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
